Rare Leadership

By: Marcus Warner & Jim Wilder

ISBN: 978-0802414540

READ: October 2021

RATING: 9/10

Summary: Rare leadership is a deeply insightful book that centers leadership on relationships. It challenges the reader with the premise that people are more important than problems and that leading relationally is the most powerful form of leadership. It goes on to cover how to lead yourself in a way that enables you to remain relational in the face of problems that need to be solved. I loved how practical this book is and its insight into how humans operate—both a leader and followers. I’d highly recommend this book to all leaders, but especially task-first leaders who struggle with authentically relating to those they lead.

Chapter titles are: Foreword, Preface, Introduction, 1. Leadership at the Speed of Joy 2. The Difference Between RARE Leaders and Sandbox Leaders 3. The Elevator in Your Brain 4. When the Fast Track Needs Fixing 5. Don’t Take Your Eye Off the Fast Track 6. Where You Start: Imitation, Identity, Intimacy 7. Remain Relational 8. Act Like Yourself 9. Return to Joy 10. Endure Hardship Well 11. Where Do You Go from Here? Notes, Glossary, A Day in the Life of a RARE Leader

Introduction:

“…people with a high degree of emotional intelligence earn an average of $29,000 more per year than people with a low degree of emotional intelligence.” Pg. 13

“The thesis of this book is that the fruit of four uncommon habits related to emotional intelligence is a dramatic increase in trust, joy, engagement in the people you lead.” Pg. 13

“The idea that the relationship is more important than the problem took a long time for me to believe, and I still haven’t mastered it yet.” Pg. 14

“A well-trained brain can return to joy in ninety seconds. A less well-trained brain can take hours, days, even weeks.” Pg. 16

“How do we learn to stay relational and continue to act like ourselves, like the person God made us to be, during suffering?” pg. 16

Chapter 1: Leadership at the Speed of Joy

“What you probably don’t know is that recent developments in brain science now reveal that leadership skills are learned in a different way and in a different area of the brain than management skills and academic studies.” Pg. 19

“Leadership has become heavily influenced by managerial models so that the term ‘lead’ has come to mean organizational skills rather than people skills.” Pg. 20

“Leaders influence more through who they are than by what they do.” Pg.22

“Dropping joy levels create risks the way dry conditions affect a forest. Many leadership failures can be traced to declining joy levels in leadership teams, marriages, and families.” Pg. 24

“We have found in our study of Scripture and brain science that joy, that feeling of being in the deepest part of our soul, is primarily relational. To the human brain, joy is always relational.” Pg. 24

The four habits of RARE Leaders is an acronym. Pg. 25

R – Remain Relational (belonging)

A – Act Like Yourself (identity)

R – Return to Joy (being glad to be together)

E – Endure Hardship (using hard times to bring us closer)

“As a leader when I don’t know how to act like myself, people don’t know what to expect from me.” Pg. 26

“However, Leading is primarily about guiding the group that does the work.” Pg. 32

“Burnout is typical of organizations led by results-oriented, problem-solving leaders.” Pg. 33

Section 1: Understanding Fast-Track Leadership

Chapter 2: The Difference Between RARE Leaders and Sandbox Leaders

“These academics [enlightenment thinkers] taught a philosophical theory called voluntarism, from which we get our equation ‘reason + good choices = transformation.’” Pg. 44

“The idea is that if you give people good information, they can make good choices and change their lives. Most preaching and most discipleship programs are built around this philosophy.” Pg. 44

“In fact, in both ministry and business we take it for granted that good information doesn’t necessarily lead to good choices, so we add another element in the hopes of producing changed behavior – accountability.” Pg. 45

“Most pastors have figured out that simply telling people what is wise doesn’t mean they are going to do it. So, the assumption is that people need to be told what to do, then forced to report on how they are doing, or nothing will change.” Pg. 45

“It is virtually a given that any book on leadership will say accountability is the key to transformation.” Pg. 45

“One of the reasons the accountability paradigm falls short is that the model is fueled by fear.” Pg. 45

“Who we are determines what we will do and identity operates faster and more powerfully than choices.” Pg. 46

The RARE acronym are habits that exceptional leaders are built around identity and belonging. So a new formula emerges: Identity + Belonging = Transformation. Pg. 46

“Lasting transformation takes place when a person’s identity changes and that person becomes comfortable in living out of their new identity.” Pg. 46

“What we need to know for this chapter is that fast track creates motivation from the mental interaction of our identity with the identity of the group around us. There is always an individual and a group identity in the picture.” Pg. 48

“It is hard…when you are trying to choose the right thing to do but you are riding on a bucking bronco of emotions. Your will seems to shut down every time you could really use the help.” Pg. 49

“We could say that identity produces the strongest power plant for any kind of action or even resistance to action.” Pg. 50

“The fuel used to run this power plant in terrorist or radical behavior is fear. Fear is explosive motivating fuel. RARE leadership uses the same power plant but a different and more powerful fuel. The fuel of fast-track leadership is joy.” Pg. 50

Difference in fuels: pg. 51

Joy + Identity = RARE power plant

Joy + (no identity) = Party Time

Fear + Identity = Terrorist / Religious Radical

Fear + (no identity) = Bully

“The human brain was designed for joy…The brain is a joy-seeking machine and seeks joy above every human experience.” Pg. 51

“If fast-track solutions are so superior to slow-track, conscious choices, why have we never heard about this amazing part of our brain? Three reasons: voluntarism, the speed of the fast-track, and the fact that the slow track does not monitor the fast without special training.” Pg. 52

“Whereas an accountability group asks people to get together and be honest about their behavior and whether they are living up to their commitments, an identity group is focused on helping people remember who they are and how it is like them to act—how God created them to act.” Pg. 53

“Our goal was always the same: validate the emotions involved, and help the person move toward a place of peace.” Pg. 54

“Interaction with a. personal God who is there and is not silent is crucial to helping us overcome deformities in our identity.” Pg. 55

“However our approach to weakness defines us as leaders. Sandbox leaders hide their own weaknesses and either attack or enable the weaknesses of others. RARE leaders are honest about their own weaknesses and build communities in which the weak and strong interact regularly.” Pg. 55

Chapter 3: The Elevator in Your Brain

“…at the end of the day…ask if what you did do was more important than what you didn’t do….Often we have the time, but no the energy.” Pg. 61

“Joy is a renewable energy source that the brain is wired to prefer….If your people are struggling with low morale, or you are fighting to keep your heart in the battle, brain science may offer some unexpected help.” Pg. 64

“Throughout Scripture we see that joy is the motivator that enables us to endure suffering. …As Nehemiah wrote, ‘The joy of the Lord is your strength.” Pg. 65

Four sequential levels of brain function from the base of the brain to the top are: Level 1 – The attachment center, Level 2 – The assessment center, Level 3 – The attunement center, Level 4 – The Identity Center

“Our deepest need and our most desperate craving is joyful relationships.” Pg. 66

“Leaders who get stuck operating out of their fight-or-flight response to life are going to have a hard time experiencing joy for themselves or creating joy in their environments. Once fear becomes the dominant motivator, nearly everything in life becomes a problem to be solved.” Pg. 67

“With defects in the construction and training on the third floor, people become awkward socially and misread people on a regular basis. They ‘see’ things that simply aren’t there. Learning to synchronize with people and attune to their feelings is an important relational skill. Without this skill we can feel isolated even in a crowd.” Pg. 68

“When everything is operating the way it is supposed to, the brain runs smoothly. We feel like ourselves. We function with low stress and high joy.” Pg. 68

“We are born without the third floor completed and the fourth floor yet to be built. Most of the major growth of the right brain is finished by eighteen months of ager.” Pg. 69

“The brain only knows two ways to generate motivational fuel—a joy bond or a fear bond. We call this a ‘bond’ because the exchange of joy or fear becomes our way of doing business with others.” Pg. 71

“I am going to have to wear a carefully crafted mask that makes me look the way I need to look in order to get what I want out of the relationship.” Pg. 71

“When the elevator is stuck on the third floor we are: nonrelational, fixated on problems, waiting for people and/or problems to go away, unable to imagine relational solutions for all problems, feel isolated and alone, experience negative emotions more intensely….We regularly see ourselves as self-sufficient.” Pg. 71

Chapter 4: When the Fast Track Needs Fixing

“The word of God showed me that giving up all control is freedom. God takes control as I give up control.” Pg. 79

“Leaders with fast-track problems will use whatever emotions block their personal return to joy to create motivation in themselves and others.” Pg. 79

“We often use avoiding unpleasant emotions as a way to motivate ourselves.” Pg. 80

“When leaders begin to be swayed by who is going to get upset, they are surrendering their guidance to the most emotionally unstable person in their group.” Pg. 80

“As unpleasant as the ‘big six’ negative emotions of anger, fear, sadness, shame, disgust, and hopeless despair can be, they do not need to block us from relationships.” Pg. 80

Warning signs that the slow-track is running without guidance—increasing isolation, increasing attention to motivation by warning of outcomes, and going predatory. Pg. 81

“A well-trained fast track operates in a protective, life-giving way to the attachments it forms. A poorly trained master-system will tend to be predatory, defensive, fear-bound, and selfish.” Pg. 84

Chapter 5: Don’t Take Your Eye Off the Fast Track

“We contend that leaders must keep target #2 as second priority and aim first at target #1: building group identity. The prime target for leadership is the culture of our organization. It answers the questions, ‘Who are we?’ and ‘How is it like us to act?’” pg. 89

Target #1 has identity, leadership, fast-track, IF placed first, joy-based, high motivation, high bonding, high sacrifice.

Target #2 has results, management, slow-track, If-Placed First—fear-based, low motivation, low bonding, low sacrifice. Pg. 90

“A group’s identity is formed by the answers to two simple questions: ‘Who are my people?’ and ‘How is it like us to act?’” pg. 92

“A healthy group identity is characterized by joy. People like belonging to the group. Team members look forward to being together.” Pg. 92

“Every leader is someone with a story of a changed identity.” Pg. 93

“RARE leaders aim at their group’s identity.” Pg. 100

Section 2: Building RARE Leadership

Chapter 6: Where You Start: Imitation, Identity, Intimacy

Key practices that drive transformation:

1. Imitation Exercises

2. Intimacy with God

3. Identity Groups – A Team of Allies

Practical Steps to help us grow with God and enhance our spiritual receptivity

1. Quiet

2. Scripture Reading

3. Appreciation

4. Writing

5. Sharing

An identity group is not an accountability group; they must be tender-hearted towards weakness, committed to seeking God. Pg. 117-118

“We don’t need people to beat us up when we fail. Most of us are pretty good at doing that themselves.” Pg. 117

Chapter 7: Remain Relational

“The focus of this chapter is on the tension between remaining relational and solving problems.” Pg. 123

“The goal is to solve problems in a way that makes relationships stronger when they are finished.” Pg. 127

6 Signs You Have Shut Down Relationally:

1. You don’t feel like being around someone you normally like.

2. You want to make a person or problem go away.

3. Your mind is locked on to something upsetting.

4. You become aggressive in the way you interrogate, judge, or fix people.

5. You don’t want to make eye contact.

6. You feel like it is their fault if they get hurt by something you do or say. -Pg. 129

“When your relational circuits are on, your curiosity about life and people kicks in.” pg. 129

An envelope conversation: “You start with the history and importance of the relationship, then you discuss the problem, finally you end with the hope that the relationship will be even stronger once the problem is solved.” Pg. 133

Hesed is “sticky love.” Pg. 134

“It [hesed] is the sort of love you can’t shake off. It sticks to you through every high and low, every success and failure, every malfunction and sin.” Pg. 134

“In the immature brain, pain turns off the relational circuits.” Pg. 137

Chapter 8: Act Like Yourself

“RARE leaders are really good at seeing Jesus in others and waking up that part of a person’s heart.” Pg. 142

“Identity sounds like an individual reality, but the truth is your identity always comes from belonging to a group. To be a pastor, leader, parent, wife, or athlete is to yourself as a part of a group of people who bear that title.” Pg. 144

“The classic image of a protector leader in the Bible is the good shepherd.” Pg. 145

“The essence of narcissistic leadership is its lack of tenderness toward weakness.” Pg. 146

“Without training we are all natural predators.” Pg. 147

“Protector leaders are people with strong, joyful identities who welcome others and have tender hearts toward weakness.” Pg. 148

“Masks that work make us dependent on the masks themselves…all masks slowly kill joy, even when they work.” Pg. 153

Chapter 9: Return to Joy

“We save huge amounts of energy when we accept emotions, which then allows us to calm ourselves quickly.” Pg. 160

An experience of accepting upset emotions…

“I first worked with this [accepting emotions] years ago, after hearing that emotions were like riding a wave. If you let the wave break, there is a lot of intensity for a very short period of time, then you end up with a gentle ribbon of sea foam gently lapping against the shore. On the other hand, if you use all of your power to keep the wave from breaking, you become very tired and remain out at sea in the choppy, rolling water. I first tried this with anger. When something made me very angry, instead of stewing and trying to solve a problem or get in the face of the person that ‘made me mad,’ I rolled up a towel and twisted it while making my best angry face. Once the wave had crashed, I had the use of a sound mind once again to see if anything needed to be done to solve the situation that caused me to feel angry.” Pg. 160

“Leaders are often angry!” pg. 162

“Shame is the opposite of joy so ‘not glad to be with you’ is a way to say shame without causing a bad reaction if the listener is hiding emotions.” Pg. 166 -Out of context but I found this helpful because saying glad to be with you can be very honoring.

“If you skip the validation process and go straight to correction, you may win the argument and shut down the disagreement, but you will damage the relationship and feed the level of toxicity in the environment.” Pg. 167

“RARE leaders meet people where they are emotionally, find ways to help them change their perspective or fix their problems, and call out what is best in them.” pg. 171

Chapter 10: Endure Hardship Well

“[Timothy] knew how to build and grow spiritual families. He would remind them of Paul’s way of life in Christ Jesus. In other words, Timothy would be a model of maturity for the Corinthians to emulate.” Pg. 179

5 Levels of Emotional Maturity

1. Infant Maturity

2. Child-level Maturity “A child is expected to be able to care of one person—themselves.” Pg. 180

“Children have the ability to tell you what is wrong. What they lack is the ability to take care of you and themselves at the same time.” Pg. 181

3. Adult-level Maturity

“Adults know how to keep relationships bigger than problem, act like themselves in a group, and take care of the needs of two people at the same time.” Pg. 181

4. Parent-level Maturity

5. Elder-level Maturity “…empty nesters who have raised their own families and have the life experience and relational skills to mentor a younger generation.” Pg. 183

“Practice doesn’t make perfect. Practice makes permanent.” -Dale Carnegie pg. 184

“In order to suffer well, you have to develop your capacity for appreciation.” Pg. 185

“Our ability to live at peace is directly tied to our ability to be single-minded.” Pg. 185

Drains on Joy: pg. 186

1. Physical issues – Sickness, lack of sleep, lack of exercise, etc.

2. Relational issues – Child’s lack of respect, spouse’s attitude in a conversation, etc.

3. Unresolved Problems- Financial stress, fear of failure, anxiety about the future, conflict, etc.

4. Recent Loss – Loss of dreams, relationships, possessions, etc.

“He [Ed] will tell you from his own life and from the hundreds of people he has helped that without joy there is no lasting recovery from any addiction.” Pg. 188

Chapter 11: Where Do You Go from Here?

“…nothing is more predicative of leadership effectiveness than personal maturity.” Pg. 193

“Identity is powerful motivation that can be hijacked by fear to create really dangerous people.” pg. 202