Family Discipleship
By: Matt Chandler & Adam Griffin
ISBN: 978-1433566295
READ: July 2021
RATING: 6/10
Summary: Family Discipleship is a great parenting book, but a lackluster disciple making book. When viewed as a parenting book, I’d give it a 9. Its core message of leveraging time, moments, and milestones were a helpful framework to think through how to help kids know the King. Chandler and Griffin are clear in their message, detailed in their illustrations, and don’t try to get too broad. Still, the title and resulting framework of discipleship is problematic. Jesus never discipled someone who didn’t willingly opt in. Yet in chapter 4, the authors promote forcing your kids to be a part of this kind of discipleship. These problems could have been avoided if the authors had taken time to distinguish between Christian parenting and discipling your kids. Their definition of discipleship which is, “following and helping another follow Christ” is extraordinarily broad and unhelpful. Setting all these problems aside, I wholeheartedly recommend this as a book about Christian parenting.
Chapter titles are: Foreword, Introduction, 1. The Family That Disciples 2. The Foundation 3. Modeling 4. Time 5. Moments 6. Milestones, Conclusion, Appendix “A Word to Church and School Leaders, Notes, Scripture Index
Foreword:
“Parenting can put us into a fog, rendering many of us in survival mode, ready to pronounce any day in which everyone makes it to bedtime alive as in a raging success. But we knoe in our hearts that more is required of us than survival.” Pg. 11
Introduction:
“Raising kids an endlessly challenging adventure, and it comes with a never-ending list of responsibilities. One of the grandest of those responsibilities is the call to all parents to be disciple-makers in their own homes. A disciple-maker is a follower of Christ helping others follow Christ.” Pg. 17
“Your kids need guidance and you are their guide.” Pg. 17
“God himself has called you disciple your children: to teach them to obey all that he has commanded and to see Christ formed in them (Matt. 28:18-20; Gal 4:19).” Pg. 18
“Your child’s salvation “depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy” (Romans 9:16.” Pg. 19
“This book is designed to be used by parents to create a plan for the spiritual leadership of their home.” Pg. 22
“We should say up front that this is not a parenting book. At least, in the traditional sense . This book is not about helping you navigate learning styles, different formative stages, strong wills, birth order, punishments, obedience, and so on….This book fits into the missing space that exists in intentionally designing spiritual leadership in the Christian home.” Pg. 23
What we are not saying: (pgs. 24-27)
1. We are not asking you to make your kids the most important thing in your life.
2. We are not putting the responsibility for your child’s salvation on you.
3. We are not shaming you.
4. We are not unduly comparing you to other families.
5. We are not asking you to fake it.
6. We are not saying you are alone in this.
7. We are not saying every parent is qualified to disciple their kids.
8. We are definitely not minimizing how important this is.
Chapter 1: The Family That Disciples
My main problem with this chapter and book is that it presents parenting your child as analogous to how Jesus discipled. The crucial difference is Jesus disciples had a choice and were presented with that choice repeatedly, but a child can’t choose the parameters that are set by the parents. This lack of volitional choice is SIGNIFICANT and is left unaddressed by the authors.
“No one can help or hurt a child like a parent can.” Pg. 29
“Discipleship is both what we heard Jesus command and what we saw Jesus doing. Discipleship is essential to both the message and the method of following Christ.” Pg. 30
“The Great Commission is for you to similarly make disciples of those who do not follow Christ, including those born or brought into your home. To disciple your family as Jesus discipled his twelve, think less of your children as students in your home-university and more as apprentices invited to study and exercise the way of God they see in and hear about from you.” Pg. 30
“God has clearly commanded that the highest priority of parenting is helping children know, follow, and trust him.” Pg. 31
“Family discipleship is not free-form spiritual exploration. Family discipleship is indoctrination, teaching the doctrines, and worldview of God as laid out in his word without yielding to the contrary opinions of the world or apologizing for the potential offensiveness of that truth.” Pg. 31
“Family discipleship is not using the word of God in order to get your way.” Pg. 31
“Family discipleship is not a way to raise popular kids.” Pg. 32
“Family discipleship is not a strategy to become an admired parent.” Pg. 33
“Family discipleship is not always the most appealing path.” Pg. 33
“Discipling your child is not primarily your church’s job, your child’s school’s job, or your pastor’s job. This job is yours.” Pg. 35
“Your rhythm is what your family will consider ordinary, what you do every day or regularly that feels normal.” Pg. 37
“Put simply, leading your family means going first, initiating what needs to be done. It starts with you. Whatever your family needs, meeting the need begins with your action.” Pg. 39
“Parents are as much mentors and servants as they are masters.” Pg. 40
“Culture is built around values, beliefs, and behaviors. Every family has them whether you have identified them or not.” Pg. 40
“…your family is the primary instrument and environment for discipleship. Second, your family context can be served by planning around the family discipleship framework.” Pg. 42
“The design of the family discipleship framework is similar to a picture frame…The four sides of the framework are simple and yet profound enough to provide structure to your discipleship and give you clarity and support.” Pg. 42
The four sides are: (pg. 43)
1. Modeling – Setting a godly example in your family and demonstrating true repentance where and when you fall short.
2. Family Discipleship Time – Intentional time that is built into the rhythm of your family’s life for learning about and living out the Gospel.
3. Family Discipleship Moments – Being aware of and capturing opportunities to focus on God and the Gospel in everyday life.
4. Family Discipleship Milestones – Marking and making occasions to celebrate and commemorate significant milestones in the life of family and children.
“It is important to remember that discipleship begins before conversion.” Pg. 44
-Strongly disagree with that statement. Scripture clearly teaches engaging Christians and non-Christians differently. Jesus’ disciples all had some level of trust in Him. It was necessary before He would disciple them (Mark 3:14).
Chapter 2: The Foundation
“Scripture reinforces this imperative several times. God has clearly commanded that the highest priority of parenting is helping children know, follow, and trust him.” Pg. 47
“Those who heard Deuteronomy 6 did not pass on Deuteronomy 6.” Pg. 48
“Of course, my wife and I are the two people primarily responsible for the discipleship of our kids, but the church has a profound influence on our kids’ spiritual development and in many ways has equipped us as parents to fulfill that role.” Pg. 49
2 Key Institutions for Family Discipleship: (pg. 50)
1. The Immediate Family
2. The Family of God / The Church
“God gives the primary responsibility of religious instruction and the training of children to parents, as outlined in Scripture (Deut. 6, Pss 78, 145, Eph 6). Christian education begins and should primarily take place in the home.” Pg. 51
“In God’s good design, parents are given the closest proximity and greatest influence in the lives of their children.” Pg. 51
“Parents are not only the primary disciplers; this is their primary Christian role.” Pg. 52
“Sin makes family life hard.” Pg. 52
“Know that Jesus doesn’t love only a future version of your kids, and you shouldn’t either.” Pg. 53
“We obey God because we love him. We do not obey in order to earn his love.” Pg. 53
“Typically when people think of “church,” they think of a place instead of a people. But this should not be so! The church is primarily a people, not an institution or a location.” Pg. 55
“The organizational nature of the church exists to help the organic expressions of the church family flourish. The elders of a local church are charged with faithfully preaching God’s word and leading the church toward joyful obedience as they follow Jesus and make disciples together.” Pg. 55
What the Bible Says about Family: Pgs. 56-61
1. God teaches us about our relationship to him through family.
2. God teaches the inherent value of children
3. God created, loves, and wants faithful marriages
4. God commands that children are to be cared for and trained.
5. God commands that parents are to be honored and obeyed.
6. God tells and shows us what to teach children.
7. God does not take family responsibilities lightly.
8. God gives families the gift of forgiveness.
“Children are people. They do not belong to you like a product or a pet. They are souls entrusted to you as a caretaker, but ultimately they belong to God.” Pg. 57
“A Child is vulnerable. Vulnerable to lies. Vulnerable to hurts. Vulnerable to neglect. They are vulnerable because in every perceivable way, children are born with an innate insufficiency. They need others to care for them.” pg. 58
“Living in close proximity to other people means being exposed t each other’s worst moments and least appealing attributes.” Pg. 61
Chapter 3: Modeling
“Family Discipleship Modeling: Serving as a godly example for your family, living out your genuine walk with God, and demonstrating true repentance where and when you fall short.” Pg. 63
“What you think, say, and do—your attitudes and actions—as a Christian man or woman make a profound impression on what your sons and daughters will think, say, and do as they grow into maturity.” Pg. 63
“Of course, in order to model following Jesus you must be following Christ.” Pg. 63
“Illustrating how to address your own unrealized hopes and your unwanted shortcomings is a critical aspect of Christian modeling. Be someone whose model of humility and repentance characterizes how imperfect people should act, think, and speak at all times, and especially when they fail.” Pg. 64
“Your spiritual health is imperative to the health of your family. You cannot authentically lead a family discipleship time or capture a moment if you are not making time to be with God and thinking of him throughout the day.” Pg. 65
Two Key Components of Modeling Pg 67
1. Be Reliable: Have repentant integrity
2. Be Relatable” Have relational proximity
“Reliable parents follow God even when they don’t want to, believing that obedience is for tehir good and their joy.” Pg. 68
“God’s laws are good. They serve to give you the fullest life and protect you from the damage of sin, and they are sufficient in every way just as they are.” Pg. 68
“None of us can walk in perfection before God or before our kids, but you can be reliable in the way you confess and repent of your sin where and when you should.” Pg. 69
“Modeling requires a close, loving relationship with those you hope to lead and influence. Be relatable enough to let those close to you see who you really are. Be vulnerable enough to let someone see your life—how you make your choices, how you handle failure, and how you turn to God’s word to determine who you are and what you’re called to.” Pg. 69
“Your kids will be far from perfect too so they need you to demonstrate how a man or woman of God handles pursuing godliness repentantly without wallowing in failure or seeking worldly affirmation to cope.” Pg. 70
“Be tenacious at pointing out how and why you are choosing to follow Christ. Use your words to intentionally instruct your family in all of the gospel’s ramifications in your daily life as well as versing them in the story of God’s plan to rescue the world from the problem of sin through Jesus Christ.” Pg. 71
“Your kids learn how to love God by watching how you love God. While you are called to disciple your kids, the call is not to give them a fictitiously polished version of yourself.” Pg. 73
“Model for them what it looks like to be a person under authority who humbly seeks to follow wisdom from others and share life’s dilemmas with trusted companions.” Pg. 76
Love your kids by: loving your God, loving yourself, loving your neighbor, and loving your spouse. Pgs. 73-80
“Your kids will learn how to love God by watching how you love God.” Pg. 73
“Model for them what it looks like to be a person under authority who humbly seeks to follow wisdom from others and share life’s dilemmas with trusted companions.” Pg. 76
“Our identity as Christians is firmly rooted in Christ.” Pg. 77
“Serving our neighbors cultivates gratitude, empathy, and love, and it counteracts entitlement.” Pg. 78
“It is good for your kids to see that you love your spouse differently than you them and that you put your relationship with your spouse first.” Pg. 79
Chapter 4: Time
“Family discipleship Time: Creating intentional time built into the rhythm of the family’s life for the purpose of thinking about, talking about, and living out the gospel.” Pg. 87
“Family devotions, family worship, Bible story time—whatever youw ant to call it, it’s an integral ingredient in family discipleship.
“Whatever you teach your children should be backed up by and saturated in the word of God.” Pg. 89
“Family discipleship time is time right now to show your children what God has to say to them right now.” Pg. 89
“You can learn together as you read a few verses and ask simple questions like, If this is true, what does it change about us and how we live our lives?’” pg. 90
“Don’t underestimate what your kids can learn and memorize.” Pg. 90
“When it comes to serving others, sharing the gospel, and making disciple of others, we want our kids to ‘graduate’ from our homes being able to say ‘I’ve don’t that before’ not just ‘I remember hearing about this.’” Pg. 91
“You cannot force your kids to become believers, but in your hopes that they would be, you can make family discipleship a nonegotiable. As hard as it might be, this is a hill to die on.”
-Wow this is a tough one. Maybe, but what happens if your insistence and force moves them away from Jesus for good? I think we must be way more prayerful and discerning about we engage our children in the things of God. God is a God that draws with loving-kindness, not one who forces Himself on others.
2 Key Components of Time pg. 94
1. Rhythm: Be steady. Set aside times with consistency and commitment.
2. Intentionality: Be purposeful and design the times with purpose and planning.
“You are training them to not need you, but to recognize how they will always desperately need God.” Pg. 99
“If you are in a house with multiple kids, you want to take time to look at and listen to each one individually. Focusing on one kid can make a world of difference in sharing each other’s hearts and lives. With younger kids you can simply pick a night of the week when one child gets to stay up later than the rest for a special time with Mom and Dad. If your kids are older, you could pick a morning each week or each month for breakfast together to talk about what is going on in each other’s lives and what you are learning from the Lord.” Pg. 102
Daily Family Discipleship Ideas: pg. 102-103
1. Family Meals
2. Family Prayer
3. Bedtime Routine
4. Family Commute
Weekly Family Discipleship Time Ideas pg. 103-104
1. Movie night
2. Game night
3. Restaurant night
4. Worship service
5. Family Bible study/devotions/worship
6. Community
7. Weekly Family Traditions
Monthly Family Discipleship Time Ideas
1. Service
2. One-on-One Time
3. Guys’ Night or Girls’ Night
4. Neighborhood Party
Chapter 5: Moments
“The moment when I am most repelled by a child’s behavior, that is my sign to draw the very closest to that child.” -Ann Voskamp pg. 112
“Family Discipleship Moments: Capturing and leveraging opportunities in the course of everyday life for the purpose of gospel-centered conversations.” Pg. 113
“Family discipleship moments are about being prepared to take advantage of opportunities to communicate God’s truth in whatever circumstances might come your way.” Pg. 113
“A moment might be used to correct, to inform, or to encourage.” Pg. 114
“Pray your child’s heart will be good soil for the seeds of the gospel. Pray your kids will be the ones who hear the word and understand it. May they bear fruit and yield, and in some cases exponentially so, multiplying what they’ve received a hundred times over (Mt. 13:23).” Pg. 115
“When your children need a moment with you, you want to make them feel confident that your relationship with them makes you a safe person to approach as well as a safe person to be approached by.” Pg. 116
“We teach them that God makes you strong enough to serve those who need strength. Our boys know it well enough now that all I need to do is ask, ‘When is the only time it is okay to push or punch?’ When they respond, ‘To protect,’ we talk through whether that was the intention of their fighting.” Pg. 117
Two Key Components of Moments pg. 117-118
1. Characteristics of God
2. Godly character.
Moments teach the characteristics of God and godly character. Pg. 119-120
“Jesus frequently captured and leveraged discipleship moments…Christ pointed out to his disciples a widow who dropped two copper coins into the offering box. Christ uses this opportunity to teach his disciples about kingdom economics.” Pg. 121
Lots of supplementary resources in the back of this chapter including characteristics of God, one anothers, godly character, phrases to help understand various Christianese.
Chapter 6: Milestones
“Family discipleship milestones: Marking and making occasions to celebrate and commemorate significant spiritual milestones of God’s work in the life of the family and child.” Pg. 135
“The goal of a milestone is, in large part, remembrance.” Pg. 137
Two Kinds of Milestones: pg. 139
1. Making
2. Marking
“Unlike making family discipleship milestones, marking is what we do to commemorate the work of God in our children’s lives in ways that we did not see coming.” Pg. 140
Passing on your faith through milestones by using heirlooms and mementos, rituals and traditions, feasts and fasts, monuments and memorials, responsibility and authority, symbols and crests, journeys and destinations, and events and experiences. Pg. 142-145
Conclusion: Parting Encouragement
“It is great to parent carefully, but we should remain mindful not to wander into cowardice. You have been entrusted with the rearing of the next generation.” Pg. 156